Becoming Satisfied

Soundtrack: Sleigh Bells – Reign of Terror

For the last few weeks I’ve been taking a new Get Trained class at the Stone called “Satisfied”. This is the first semester the class has been offered, and I think it’s the best class for women to come out of the Get Trained ministry. If you are a women who wants to love Jesus more, TAKE THIS CLASS. It will ruin your life for good.

I will admit I had some pride going into this class (yet another reason why I needed it so badly). Having taken so many GT classes in the past and with the connections I have to staff, I assumed I would probably get asked to be a table leader. No big deal. I lead tables like it’s my job. So I waited for that email asking me if I would oh so humbly step up and lead my table with all my Godly wisdom, theological knowledge, and general Proverbs 31 Woman-ness.

Then the email went out reminding us 1.) class starts this Sunday and 2.) there is a missional community component Wednesday nights and if you can’t participate you need to switch to the non-mc version of the class.

Wait… WHAT?!

First of all, clearly the Get Trained ministry hated me. How could they have not asked me to lead a table? Am I not humble enough? Gracious enough? Are strength and dignity not my clothing? Is the teaching of kindness not on my tongue? My non-existant children don’t rise up and call me blessed and my future husband doesn’t praise me? Is my clothing not fine linen and purple? Because I will wear purple if that’s what it takes! (If you don’t get these references, you are clearly not a Proverbs 31 woman. (P.S. I think I hate that term. More on that later.))

Second of all, I signed up for a missional community? That was definitely NOT on the website when I signed up or I never would have… oh wait, yep. It’s there. Curse you asterisks!

So I was upset and feeling pretty darn prideful for a good 24 hours before I got the friendliest email I’ve probably ever received (if you are friends with Theresa you know what I’m talking about) asking me if I would lead a table and missional community for Satisfied.

I felt like a butt head. Thank you God for showing me this about myself.

Since the class has started I can honestly say I’ve felt convicted of something every single week and that those convictions go beyond just an epiphany in the class room, but God is actually changing my heart and mind more each day. Somehow, the women who wrote this curriculum seem to have captured these major sins, lies that Satan feeds us to believe about ourselves and our worth, that burden every woman. I can say that they are a burden for every woman because of those in my group no one has ever had an “I don’t struggle with that” moment. In fact we’ve mostly felt the opposite, “How did they know I feel that way? Wait, you think that too? Is it even possible for a woman to not struggle with this? Can we do a case study on women who don’t struggle with this? Something is wrong with them.” With that said, if you have ovaries and think that you don’t need this class, I will fight you.

Some of the subjects we have been tackling include being happy, being special, and what it means to be fully known and loved. These have wrecked me every week. I see more and more clearly the lies that I’ve believed for probably my whole life. The ways that I’ve believed I’m special according to the world and not through the lens of the gospel, or the ways my actions are always driven toward my happiness being found in the world and not in relationship with the Lord. It’s literally called me to a new way of thinking about myself, others, and the world around me. It’s called me to take 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 as more than just a cute little suggestion, and put it into action.

“For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ”

I’m not great at this. I’m not even good at this. But God is good at this. He loves shaping our hearts, even if it’s the teeniest tiniest bit and it feels like nothing’s changing. I’ve seen changes not just in myself, but in every woman in my group, some by leaps and bounds. Together we are learning what it looks like to love God more and to change our thoughts and actions by tackling sin head on, in and through community.

If you are a woman, I urge you to take this class. I promise it will challenge you, it will probably hurt you, but God will change you. And it will be wonderful.

Pessoptimist

Soundtrack: Andrew Bird – Break It Yourself

I can never decide if I’m a pessimist or an optimist. I’ve been told before that I’m an optimist, but it doesn’t really feel that way. I most often doubt people’s motives, struggle to believe their intentions aren’t just for selfish gain, that they can do something genuinely good out of selflessness, etc. Now before you go calling me out on how I don’t love God because I don’t love/trust people yada yada yada… hear me out.

Philosopher, mathematician, and overall bad A (and you know that “A” stands for apple), Blaise Pascal once said:

“All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. The cause of some going to war, and of others avoiding it, is the same desire in both, attended with different views. This is the motive of every action of every man, even those who hang themselves.”

I love Pascal. This quote blows my mind every time I read it because it’s so darn true. Every human action is rooted in the desire and pursuit of happiness, even for the man who thinks the only means to happiness is to kill himself.

• “I like to dress really cute because… people thinking highly of me for being fashionable will make me happier.”
• “I like to watch loads of TV because… ignoring my current reality will make me happier.” (This is strictly a hypothetical example. I like my reality, and I love me some TV.)
• “I lie to my roommate about something bothering me because… I’m not happy being in the middle of conflict.”

Happiness drives every action we take whether we realize it or not, and our happiness sometimes takes priority over others, even those we love most. Is happiness a good thing? Totally. God wants us to be happy and find joy in Him (John 15:11). But does our pursuit of happiness lead us to do things that aren’t good? You betcha.

I literally can’t think of a single sin that I’ve committed or struggle with that doesn’t in some way trace back to me wanting to be happy. I believe that what the world tells me will make me happy, will in fact make me happy. So I try to be successful, beautiful, likable, funny, etc. – all these things the world says will fulfill me that somehow inevitably lead to sin. Can those things bring me happiness? Yes, but only temporarily.

The only eternal joy is in the only eternal God. And while I have to admit I suck at believing this, it’s true. John 15:11 says, “These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full“. God wants us to be happy because it brings him glory, and he is most glorified when we are happiest in him. Kapeesh?

So I’ve decided I’m both a pessimist and an optimist. I’m a pessimist about people – everyone’s out for their own happiness and their own gain. I don’t expect the best out of people because I know that we’re all broken and looking for happiness in the wrong places, which leads us into a crap ton of sin.

But I am an optimist in my God. He has never failed me and never will fail me. I can trust in him because I know that every word spoken in scripture is true and every promise he has made will come to pass. I have no reason to believe in the goodness of man, and every reason to believe in the goodness of the cross. Jesus is the only goodness found in us and the only reason I can be optimistic that my God works in and through people.

With that said, I may have to rethink this whole pessimistic thing…

“My Year”

Soundtrack: M83 – Hurry Up, We’re Dreaming

December 18th, 2010 I sat with several Austin Stone interns at the wedding reception of another fellow intern. I had graduated only days before, I didn’t have a job lined up, and I was, as always, single, with little dating prospects. As we talked over dinner, one of my friends at the opposite end of the table started saying something to me that I couldn’t understand.

“Emilee, this is going to be your year!”

I wasn’t part of the conversation going on at that end of the table, so I assumed it was the punchline of some joke I was missing. I asked him what he meant.

“I can feel it! This is going to be your year!” he said again with complete, however goofy, confidence. Though I was sure he was just messing with me, his words stuck. To this day I don’t know why he said what he said, but he was more right than I could have imagined.

This was actually the second wedding I had been to that day. The first I attended earlier that afternoon. It was one of those weddings where it’s a really good friend getting married so all of your best friends are there together and having a blast is a given. I got there just early enough that none of my friends had arrived yet, so I decided to kill some time by checking my hair in the restroom. When I walked back out to the lobby I caught eyes with a boy staring at me from across the room. Only he doesn’t remember this.

This was the day that my boyfriend, David, and I started to really talk and become more than acquaintance/friends for the first time. Though I always found him interesting, David was too introverted and altogether too much of a he-man-woman-hater to give me the time of day. But on this day, and by God’s sovereignty, I misinterpreted what was probably a bored guy staring into space as being a romantic movie moment where the guy notices me from across the room and love ensues. And I mean, why not? These things happen at weddings all the time right? Plus, I was in heels and a dress. I looked good! (And yet he still doesn’t recall this.)

So I sat next to him during the ceremony and we were dating by March.

I think “my year” started that day. I had no idea what would happen with David. I had no idea what this year would bring.

Job 1:21, “And he said, ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.’”

This scripture reminds me of my year. I went through ups and downs of employment, finances, housing, relationship drama with David, relationship drama with friends, made new friends, lost loved ones, watched friends get married, start new relationships, and break up. I struggled to let go of my control idol, my approval idol, wrestled with my insecurities, my  fear of moving overseas, my fear of the future, my fear of death. I learned to be less passive aggressive, I learned to trust the Lord more, I learned to love the gospel more. I was hurt horribly by people and I loved people horribly (in the good sense and bad sense), and I learned more about myself than I could’ve imagined.

This year was more than I could’ve imagined.

I’ve still got a lot of growing to do. I see lots of big things happening in my future and this year presents opportunities to set goals and do just that. I’m hoping to post some of these goals up soon so you beautiful people can hold me accountable to them.

Here’s to 2012 being “my year” all over again.

Poles and Pulpits

Strippers and preachers. Most anyone will tell you that the two occupations are about as different as night and day. Brenda Hughes, however, will correct you and tell you that, “The only difference between the pole and the pulpit is that [the stripper's] sin is out in the open. The preacher’s is hidden.”

Photo by Christa Jenne

From a very young age, Brenda was drawn to brokenness. She didn’t understand why her friend Shirley, who lived in the trailer park, had no other friends. Or why her grandparents would throw out the doll that she loved so much; the ragged and tattered one from the local dump that she had so carefully fixed with band-aids and tape. Brenda’s parents, straight-laced, Southern Baptist folk, discouraged her actions, saying she was too compassionate. Too generous. Too caring. But she knew in her core that they were wrong, and she couldn’t help loving the broken things and broken people in her life.

Her early adulthood was characterized by a rebellion of sex, drugs and alcohol that, although lasting for just a brief time, led her to reject Christ for several years, allowing room for a deep, dark bitterness to form in her heart. Years passed before Brenda stepped foot in a church again, when she accidentally ended up in a Sunday school class. At the time it was still popular to wear one’s Sunday best to church, and she felt like a black sheep dressed in blue jeans, sitting in a circle of women in their sundresses and skirts. And it was during that class that it clicked. The Jesus of the Bible had the same compassionate heart that she did. The same love for the broken. The same love for her.

Photo by Christa Jenne

Just a few years later, a woman at church approached Brenda. Her rebellious, jean-wearing reputation was well known and she was asked to join a ministry that reached out to prostitutes and strippers because “she would be good at it”. While most of the women in the ministry struggled to make conversation with the prostitutes and strippers, Brenda found that her past made it easier for her to relate to the women, and that the love and compassion that God had given her allowed her to better form relationships with them. As time went by, the strippers and club owners began to know her simply as “the Church Lady”.

It’s been ten years since she began working in the ministry, or “mission of love”, as she prefers to call it. And it has been all but glamorous. Most of the women working in the clubs suffer from mental illnesses, and deal with more mother issues than the stereotypical father issues. The women struggle financially, which in turn leads to moral struggles. “How far can I go to make some extra cash? When am I crossing the line?” These are their prayer requests. Their gratitude for bringing them a plate of cookies would make you think you’d given them the keys to a new car. And their distrust and shock at having someone eagerly sit down for a conversation reveals the years of being treated as less than human. Once, a woman even broke down at Brenda’s feet, holding her legs and crying, “Why weren’t you my mom? I needed you.” Depression is like a plague there.

Photo by Christa Jenne

It’s not an easy ministry. It’s a painful and dark place to be in and as much as she loves the women, Brenda doesn’t enjoy going to the clubs. But from simply walking in relationships with these women, she’s been able to share her personal struggles and actually suffer with them, and through that show them Christ. She says her goal isn’t to “convert” or “save” anyone. Her goal is to live life with them, serve them, and love them the way that Christ loves us. Because in the end, we’re all broken. And everyone, strippers and preachers, needs the same love and the same grace in order to be redeemed.

Photo by Christa Jenne

About a Boy

Soundtrack: Andrew Bird – Noble Beast

Friends, I’ve sorely underestimated the therapeutic power of writing. I miss it like I miss coffee on days when I’m running under 9 hours of sleep (everyday). I miss it like I miss having parents that financially support me (also, everyday). Needless to say I’m ecstatic to pick up the pen (keyboard?) and process through some things with you (it’s slightly long so I tried to make it colorful for all you ADD folks).

In the last few weeks, God’s taught me 1.) not to limit his plans, 2.) how to eat my words. Note what I wrote in “Destiny and Determinism” on January 31, 2011:

“My immediate thought is that either he’s mistaken about his calling or else (gulp) I’m called to go overseas indefinitely. Now I know I’m being silly and I’m not expecting anything to actually happen with this boy…”

Silly Emilee. Silly, naive Emilee. I’m now dating this boy and it’s been about four weeks that we’ve “been together” (I guess that’s what it’s called?). Four long, sanctifying weeks. Let’s just say being in a relationship has shown me a lot more about myself than I would care to know, i.e. just how sinful I actually am. And people, it’s pretty gross.

No caption necessary.

Probably everyday since we began dating I have had the thought, “Really? Are you sure? Why would you want to be with me? In case you haven’t noticed, I’m awkward and very, very flawed.” I constantly struggle to see myself the way that Christ sees me. I don’t believe the gospel when it says that I’m a new creation in Christ, that I’ve been redeemed and made beautiful in his sight. I choose the lies of Satan over the truth of the Gospel. I see myself as sinful, screwed up and not worthy of a boy’s affections. It’s like I lost my self-esteem in a black hole à la Stephen Hawking and have to fight daily to keep from being sucked into Satan’s lies.

So I’m learning to preach the gospel to myself. Because really it’s the only thing you can do in these emotional what’s-wrong-with-me?!?!? moments. And this is the truth I’m learning from scripture/I should seriously consider get tattooed across my forehead so I’ll stop forgetting:

“There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.” – Romans 8:1

If the Son of God accepts me as I am without condemnation, why do I constantly condemn myself? Why do I continue to seek the approval of others in order to feel validated? Scripture says I’ve been set free from the laws of sin and death. How much more satisfying would my life on earth be if I could learn to live like this is actually true? If only I could live as though no one’s opinions of me mattered, like anything I’ve ever done wrong has been eradicated, and that I’ve really, truly been set free. I can’t imagine a life more joyful.

Scripture speaks endlessly of our freedom, value and identity in Christ:

“And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him”  - Colossians 1:21-22

Holy AND blameless?! Crazy talk.

“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” – Ephesians 2:10

“Workmanship” in the original Greek translates as “poem”. We are his poem, his masterpiece. We, the masterpiece of the ultimate creator, make the Mona Lisa look like a five year old’s doodles.

I challenge DaVinci to draw a better Mona Lisa in Paint.

And let’s not forget Jesus’ reaction to the woman caught by the Pharisees committing adultery.

“Jesus stood up and said to her, ‘Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?’ She said, ‘No one, Lord.’ And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.’” – John 8:10-11

If the perfect Son of God doesn’t condemn us, who can? (Hint: No one.)

Yes, I’m sinful and screwed up, but scripture is clear that I don’t have to live that way anymore. I’ve been made holy and blameless, a new creation in Christ. And though I may struggle to believe I deserve a boy’s affections, scripture affirms that I’m worth it because the ultimate, perfect man already loves me with a perfect, unconditional love and in him alone there is no condemnation. Hallelujah! What a Saviour!

Lessons from a Screaming 10-Year Old

Soundtrack: Passion Pit – Manners

“‘Truly, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.’” Matthew 18:3-4

This week was the fourth annual St. John Spring Break camp that the Stone puts on every year for the St. John community. It was also my fourth time volunteering at this camp, with each year teaching me new things and sanctifying me in various (usually painful) ways. So this year, of course, was no exception.

Therefore I present you with this year’s camp lesson: REBELLION.

(Note the use of red, italicized, all caps font to emphasize the dramatic-ness of the subject which I’m about to discuss.)

You see, in past spring break camps I’ve been with the 2nd/3rd graders, but this year I looked forward to working with the 4th/5th graders, mostly because they’re older and more capable of carrying conversation than the lil ones (by the way if you ever want to get a 4th grade girl talking, just ask if JB stands for Justin Bieber or Jonas Brothers). Aside from their ability to converse, however, older kids also tend to have more of an attitude. So out of about twenty 4th/5th grade kids, fifteen of them were boys. And out of five leaders, four of them were women. Can you guess where this is going?

This is what popped up when I googled "chaos". Also a fairly accurate depiction of camp this week.

These boys were loud, rambunctious, intentionally disrespectful, and rebellious in every way possible. They had little respect for the male leaders, much less the female leaders who had no strength left to deal with the miniature mafia that was the 4th/5th graders.

To say that my structured, rule-following, control idol nature was freaking out all week would be an understatement.

On the last day of camp, as I watched the dozens of children screaming, running to places they weren’t allowed to go to, ignoring leaders, breaking rules, wrestling, crying, pushing each other, cheating in games, and whatever other form of rebellion they could come up with, I realized how similar my relationship with God can be.

I look at how rebellious these children are and how exhausted, frustrated and hurt I am from trying to get them to obey. Why won’t they listen? Why do they think breaking the rules is so much better than following them? Don’t they know I’m looking out for their best interests? How do they know exactly what buttons to push to get me worked up?

And then Jesus reminded me that I’m this child.

I blatantly disobey God. I think that breaking the rules is more satisfying than following them. I throw temper tantrums when I don’t get my way (spiritual temper tantrums, I don’t actually throw myself on the floor screaming, at least on most days). I hear God tell me not to do something and do it anyway. I push limits and boundaries, see how far I can go before I get into trouble. I choose not to listen to him when he’s speaking. I intentionally ignore him.

It was extremely humbling to watch the children who were driving me insane and realize that I’m no better. If anything I’m worse because I know Christ and I know scripture yet I still choose to rebel against him. But God was so good to show me that no matter how rebellious my heart is, he is mighty to save.

God loves changing the rebellious hearts of his little ones, just like my friend Jose.

There was a boy that came to camp this week (we’ll call him Jose) who I knew from my 2nd/3rd grade group last year and had moved up to my 4th/5th grade group. He had been quite the troublemaker last year and enjoyed rebelling against me more so than the other leaders. He would be my friend one day and refuse to speak to me the next (if I recall correctly he went two full days without speaking a word to me, which I gotta admit takes some intense self-control for anyone, let alone a child). He constantly complained and would go out of his way to break the rules and get my attention.

So I was beyond shocked when he showed up to camp this year and immediately ran up to give me a hug. From that moment on Jose was my best friend. He sat with me, hung out with me, listened and followed the rules. He would give me high fives and tell me I did a good job after leading camp cheers. At one point he gave me a high five for making a goal in soccer against his own team. The boy I met last year and the boy that came to camp this year are two completely different people. Seeing the change in Jose was a beautiful reminder that God can change the most rebellious of hearts, mine included.

Take a moment to praise God for the incredible love and grace he’s shown you by changing your heart and making you his child. Dwell on it. It’ll blow your mind. Promise.

Promises

Soundtrack: Mumford & Sons – Sigh No More

If you’ve read my blog, you probably know that my life has been a little more than crazy over the last couple of months. That chapter of my life, however, is finally coming to a sweet, beautiful ending…

I’ve lived in five different homes in five weeks. The shortest stay lasted four nights, the longest two weeks. I slept on couches, futons and beds, queen sized, twin sized, shared and not shared. I lived in community with men, women, cats, dogs, married couples, and unborn babies (due March 31st!). During this time I looked for a place to live and went through serious conversations with three different people about the possibility of living together, all of which fell through. I had three job interviews and applied to several other places only to never hear back. My heart ached for a home and for a job, if even just to give my life some routine. But in this difficult time God did amazing things and I got to see the promises of the Bible unfold.

Nine days ago I got a phone call from a friend who said she had a place for me to stay. Two girls from church found out that they’re leaving for North Africa in just three weeks and needed someone to sublet their room. I was immediately reminded of Romans 8:28 which promises that “all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” Leave it to God to use a war in a foreign country to give me a place to live and within 24 hours answer the girls’ prayers for a subleter!

No more couch surfing!!!!

The next morning I got another phone call from the same friend saying that she knew a couple at church who were hiring for their company and had told them about me. I gave them a call a couple days later and Thursday morning was offered the job. Unfortunately it wasn’t a job related to film or coffee, so it wasn’t exactly what I was going for. That very night I met a guy from the church who works for Campus Crusade’s film production company, and he told me of a job opening they had just posted the day before. I applied that night, interviewed the following afternoon and was offered the job on the spot!

Through these months I’ve been reminded of what Jesus tells us in Matthew 6:25 – 34 about how we shouldn’t be anxious. If God cares enough to feed the birds of the air and clothe the lilies of the field, how much more will he provide for us who he loves, values and cherishes? Luke 12:22 – 31 recounts the same conversation with Jesus, and in verse 32 he assures us “Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.” My friends, never has there been such a beautiful truth.

I want to emphasize that I’m not writing about all of this to simply recount the adventures I’ve had in post grad life, but to hopefully encourage you. I want to encourage you that God provides. He keeps his promises and he wants to spoil you sweet child!

Matthew 7:11 “If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”

He LOVES you and wants to give you good things. He wanted to give me a job and a place to live, but it had to be in his perfect timing so that I could learn what it was he wanted to teach me first.

James 1: 2 – 4 “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

I can actually see how God is fulfilling this promise in my life since I’ve graduated. He’s transformed my heart in ways that I know I am completely incapable of on my own apart from the Holy Spirit. My desire to pray, read the Word and simply be still in his presence has increased exponentially. He’s been wearing down my approval idol, teaching me not to view myself as a burden on others and that it’s a privilege for the body of Christ to serve each other. He’s given me patience and genuine gratitude for every night that I have a place to stay and for every meal that comes my way. And greatest of all he’s taught me to trust him and be completely content in his plans over mine.

Philippians 1:6 “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.”

In short, I’ve fallen deeply, madly in love with Jesus.